


Strength

by somethingintheireyes



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Graduation, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, incredibly introspective, literally all oikawa's inner thoughts, uh that's literally it lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 20:44:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9624593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somethingintheireyes/pseuds/somethingintheireyes
Summary: Tooru would come home from an excruciating practice, to be met with chores and homework, collapsing on his bed at the end of it all wondering if it was worth it. He knew he was talented, he was constantly told it’s not like he could forget. And he loved volleyball, but what if the national team didn’t request him? Then was all of this for nothing? And what if he didn’t want that to be his sole purpose in life? Then what? And what would become of his relationship with Hajime? Was it all worth it?- An introspective view on Oikawa's thoughts on graduation/high school





	

**Author's Note:**

> im having hella grad iwaoi feels rn  
> (i blame kookie's graduation)

There’s something commendable about the strength of high schoolers. They dedicate their time to studies, create bonds with teachers and classmates. They join clubs and sports teams, some of them having a job on top of all of that. And for what? To graduate three years later and have their lives change with the toss of a hat. The people they talked to everyday, will be distant memories for many. Most not even continuing the sports and clubs they were a part of because it won’t have a direct effect on their futures and they need to focus on their studies. Yet they still go on, knowing this, preparing for the heartbreak, and creating these bonds. 

 

This was something Tooru thought about a lot throughout his third year. He’d come home from an excruciating practice, to be met with chores and homework, collapsing on his bed at the end of it all wondering if it was worth it. He knew he was talented, he was constantly told it’s not like he could forget. And he loved volleyball, but what if the national team didn’t request him? Then was all of this for nothing? And what if he didn’t want that to be his sole purpose in life? Then what? 

 

But then he’d remember his team. The tremendous joy they had when they would win matches, the unity when there was a tough opponent - the team having his back and he theirs. He’d think about the individual bonds he had with each of them, and how much he appreciated each of them. He’d remember his rivals and how they made him grow as a person and in turn bond with his team more. 

 

He voiced this to Hajime one day and was surprisingly not met with a slap to the back of the head or a punch to the shoulder. He was expecting him to call him stupid for even thinking that. But instead he was met with a bit of silence and then, “I’ve thought the same thing. We create these bonds and strengthen our team only to leave them three years later for a new one.”

 

They had sat in silence, each stuck in a reflective state until Hajime spoke again.

 

“But then I remind myself that you’re supposed to live for the present with your future in mind. You’ll never be happy if you just chase and chase until you die. You have to make yourself happy now and then work things out as you move on.” He had said.

 

Tooru had taken that to heart, enlightened by his words. The second time he questioned the worth of his actions was after nationals. He’d taken the loss harder than he’d expected to. They’ve lost before. Initially it was just anger that it had been Karasuno that had beaten them. Then he’d sucked in all the emotions he should’ve been feeling and locked them up to support the team. It wasn’t until a little bit later that the realization set in. That he wasn’t going to be playing with this team ever again. That was his last chance. He was graduating soon. 

 

That realization had knocked the wind out of him and left him with a gaping hole in his chest. The emotional pain he was experiencing made him question whether or not what Hajime said was true. He’d been discussing the results with Hajime and was delving into this topic, along with insecurities about himself as a player, and the most terrifying thing to him - Hajime going to a different university than him.

 

But, as usual, Hajime was the voice of reason, saying, “You’re the best partner I can boast. You’re a really amazing setter, and even if the team changes, that won’t change. But when we fight, I will defeat you.” 

 

The fire in his eyes that were behind tears had rejuvenated his spirit and gave him the strength to continue.

 

The third time he questioned this strength was the night of his graduation. He’d been elated, hands shaking as he donned his high school uniform for the last time. Heart racing as his name was called and the entire class cheered as he was given his academic certificate. Tears of joy and relief running down his cheeks as he embraced all of his friends. It wasn’t until he was talking excitedly with Hajime when one of their friends came up saying how excited he was to be attending the same university as Hajime that he remembered this was the last time he’d be attending the same school as Hajime. The last time he’d be woken up and dragged to school bleary eyed and complaining by him. The last time he’d steal Hajime’s lunch and duck as he retaliated with a fist. The last time they’d walk home, complaining about their day, arms brushing. 

 

He didn’t voice his concern this time. It was their graduation day and everyone was excited and exchanging congrats and having parties. It wasn’t the right time to bring up something this heavy. He remembered going home that night and changing, then picking up his calendar to see how close their departure date was. He stared at the square circled with red with sad faces he drew around it, eyes burning and chest tight. 

 

This was the first time in his entire life that he’d wondered if giving his heart to someone that was leaving him in the end was worth it. He loved Hajime with his entire being, but the pain that came with him leaving was excruciating and he wondered if he’d have been better off if they’d have never dated. If he never had confessed. If he wasn’t adamant on going to the same high school as him. He had even wallowed into the territory where he wondered if befriending him in the park all those years ago would have helped him with this pain. 

 

It was a dark thought process, because he knew that he’d never trade Hajime for anything. Hajime was very literally his life. There were no memories that didn’t contain Hajime. He couldn’t even fathom what his life would be like without him. Then he was drowning in guilt when he suddenly wondered what Hajime would think if he ever voiced this. Would he be offended? Angry? He felt awful when he thought about how Hajime would feel if he knew that he was wondering if meeting him was worth it. 

 

He remembered running to his house at the first signs of the sun the following day, banging on his door and throwing himself into his arms regardless of the angry reprimands he received for being so loud so early in the morning. He’d sobbed into his shoulder apologizing for being such an awful boyfriend. Hajime had held him without question, letting him calm down before asking what spurred this on.

 

Between hiccups, Tooru managed to get out, “Last night, when I was thinking about you leaving, it hurt so much I wondered if meeting you and falling in love with you was worth it. But then I realized how stupid that was because I love you so much Hajime and I could never live without you and I felt awful and I’m so sorry don’t break up with me I love you.”

 

He was shocked when he was met with a bark of laughter, “I’m not going to break up with you stupid, I always knew you were and over-reacting drama queen.”

 

He gave him a watery smile and a pathetic slap on the chest as he let out a small, half-hearted, “Mean, Iwa-chan.”

 

“I love you idiot, now come on and come back to sleep it’s five in the fucking morning.” Hajime said, leading Tooru into his house and letting him fall asleep in his arms. 

 

Now, it’s the day before Hajime leaves for university. They had their going away party for him and it was dusk and the two had escaped to be alone. They were laying in the park where they had first met, looking up at the sky that was drenched in colors as the sun made its way behind the horizon line. They were lying in opposite directions, Tooru resting his temple on Hajime’s and letting his eyes slip closed, drinking in his presence for the last time for a while. 

 

It was Hajime who broke the silence, “What are you thinking about?”

 

Tooru pondered that. It wasn’t like he was thinking about a lot, but he wasn’t thinking about nothing either. It was sort of a light fog in the back of his mind, his main focus was enjoying Hajime’s company.

 

After a couple of beats of silence he answered simply, “You.”

 

Hajime just hummed in response and they fell back into comfortable silence. 

 

Hajime spoke up again, this time voice with an edge of concern, “Are you sad?”

 

“About you leaving?” Tooru asked, opening his eyes slowly, to be met with a deep purple sky, stars twinkling and the moon hanging full and bright.

 

“Yeah.” He replied.

 

Again, Tooru had to think. He wasn’t feeling much if he was being honest. Over the past months he had nearly exhausted his emotional capacity.

“Y’know, if I’m being honest, I don’t really know. Of course I’m upset you’re leaving, that’s a given. You’ve been an extension of my own being since we were kids, and tomorrow that’s not going to be true. But at the same time, I’ve had a lot of time to consider this and prepare myself. On top of that, I love you. I know I love you. And I know you love me. And there’s not a distance in the world that could ever change that. That should sound conceited, but it’s not about my own ego, I just know you. I know what we have is real. I trust you more than I trust myself and in turn I trust your love for me. So, no I’m not really all that sad, because I’m not going to lose you.” Tooru had explained slowly, his voice slowly gaining seriousness and confidence. And that wasn’t a lie. The bond they had extended more than just distance. It would take a lot more, if anything, to ever break that. 

 

He heard Hajime rustle next to him, his hair being moved and the heat that he was feeling through the side of his head gone. He craned his neck around to see Hajime sitting up, looking at him. Tooru sat up too, “What’s the matter, Hajime? Did I say something wrong?”

 

Hajime just stared back and shook his head slightly, “I don’t think you realize how strong and amazing you are.”

 

Tooru was taken aback at the sudden compliment. It’s not like Hajime didn’t compliment him, but he also didn’t toss them around like candy, so when he said one, it had a lot of meaning behind it.

 

Before Tooru could reply, Hajime scooted closer, cupping his face in his hand, “You haven’t even left for university and you’re already growing into a different person, but in a good way.”

 

Tooru screwed up his face in confusion. Hajime moved his hand to smooth out the wrinkles in his brow, “Don’t give me that face. I just meant, that had I asked that a few months ago, you would have either burst into tears or pretended not to care and tack on some fake insult. But you actually put thought into it, and you sounded so…” His words trailed off like he couldn’t find the right words.

 

Tooru placed his hand on Hajime’s, “Well, it’s true. I’m not scared of losing you anymore. I realized that it was stupid to think that in the first place.” 

 

Hajime smiled at him and replied, “I love you.”

 

Tooru grinned, “I love you too.”

 

They met in a passionate kiss, full of promise and laced with a somber undertone, because yeah, they had no intentions on leaving each other, but they  _ were  _ still being separated for the first time ever, they had the right to be upset. 

 

They spent their last night together, tangled in Hajime’s sheets, every kiss they shared was heavy and full of emotion. They fell asleep with their limbs intertwined with each other, fingers laced together in a desperate attempt to drink in their final moments together. 

 

Tooru saw Hajime off the next day. Yeah he cried, but he always cries. His heart was heavy, but he knew that this wasn’t the end, just a new beginning that he would have to adjust to, but he was nothing if not adaptable. 

  
He walked back to his house, the first time all year that he didn’t question their strength, but with a newfound faith in it.

**Author's Note:**

> this was loosely based off of a conversation my best friend and i had before she left for college.  
> highkey cried while writing this, hope you guys enjoy it!


End file.
